I Had to Quit

The debate as to whether or not I should work rages among my family. Despite the fact that I've been hospitalized a mere EIGHT times since June of 2005, mostly for feeling suicidal, everyone seems to think I am A-OK to go to work, yet NONE of them have a doctorate in Psychiatry.

My boyfriend's mom tells me, "You don't need to see a psychiatrist, it's all in your head, you need to learn how to get along with people."

The last time I listened to that utter non-sense, I went off my pills and almost stepped in front of a train myself. People are tired of hearing me tell them I want to kill myself.

Fortunately I don't feel that way today. But it's only six a.m.

I have been living with a friend of mine's mom for a month. See, back in November, my boyfriend and I decided it would be best for me to be close to my five year old daughter who lives with my mom in Chicago. So, a friend said she had a place to stay for me.

Well, at first I thought I was going to be staying at HER house. But when I got off the plane I was told I was going to her mom's. And her brother would be living in the basement. Great.

It's utter chaos here. There are four dogs who bark incessantly at nothing. Yes, this helps my anxiety tremendously. It's also wonderful for my insomnia. I normally go to bed at 8pm, and sometimes I even go to bed as early at 7pm. There's a reason for that, you see. I have a prolapsed uterus, which is sitting on my bladder, which means I pee every hour or two during the night. I don't get very much sleep. So, if I go to bed early, I can probably get six hours of actual sleep even though I am in bed for ten to twelve hours It's a waste of time really.

Thankfully I'm supposed to be getting my bladder fixed in February.

My brain is another story. When it will be fixed no one knows.

It's on OVERLOAD. Everything sounds loud and being around a crowd of people is horrifying to me. Interacting with people scares me. And since I've been living here and getting no sleep it's making my panic attacks even worse.

So yesterday when I went to work and was bombarded by people at work,  I felt like I was smoking crack. It was like sticking my finger in a light socket. TOO MUCH STIMULATION. I thought I was going ot pass out.

So, I left work and told my supervisor to take me off the schedule indefinitely. I am an Independent Contractor. But I won't be going back to work anytime soon. I'm tired of trying to please everyone by working just because THEY think it will build character. I'm sure it would in a normal person with normal brain chemistry.

The bottom line is that I want to be here for my daughter and that's going to require me coming up with creative ways to build a business that doesn't require a lot of interaction with large masses of people. I just can't do it right now. I'm 30 days clean today. I've been back on my meds for one week. It's going to take some time to adjust.